***Nothing Like the First***
The first time my body hungered for you..
I starved myself, yet feasted on denial and the belief that gluttony would only destroy me. I never wanted that fulfillment. I started to binge on self doubt and purge what was left of my unwanted self discovery. Knowing myself was an ugly realization. My reality made my belly ache. I stumbled into a dwelling of self pity and hoped that no one would recognize me. I wanted to be loved only temporarily because anything more would cause disruption to my system. I knew my body would not be able to absorb what you were offering so I deprived myself of your nourishment. The sight, touch, taste and smell of you made me nauseous.
I despised you. You loved me. I made you miserable. You made me ill. I pushed you away. You held onto me. You were a man. I was just a child.
The first time I became overwhelmed and overcome by my urgency for you. I tried to withdraw, did this until I could barely sit still. The convulsing and wetness of my flesh could be seen by all with visibility. Those that cared tried desperately to diagnose me. But the symptoms were too foreign. There was nothing they could prescribe, nothing to stop the bitter sweet agony. I rode the pain until my body went completely limp. My faculties weakened. I became less vigorous and so did your longing for me. Something that was once so powerful, so strong, disintegrated. An unstoppable decaying commenced and that's when my healing began.
You grew tired. I recovered strength. You stepped backwards. I moved forward. You denied me. I needed you. You tried to abstain. I wanted more.
The first time I was tainted by past inflictions. I was a monster with the face of an Angel. I welcomed you with an abysmal poison, and ultimately succeeded in tearing you down. I prayed for your demise because your existence was my downfall. You consumed me in so many ways. You gave me feelings I did not recognize. You tortured me with your persistence. You made me weak. You made me see my own reflection. You made me desire separation. You supported me to the state of exhaustion. You inhabited my soul.
I was possessed. I reciprocated with resistance and expulsion. I was just a child. You needed a woman. I wasn't ready then but I am now.
Stop fighting. Stop resisting me.
I have finally grown. I now know. I'm ready to revert you back into the man you once were. I'm ready to accept love. I'm ready to return love. This time is nothing like the first.
I starved myself, yet feasted on denial and the belief that gluttony would only destroy me. I never wanted that fulfillment. I started to binge on self doubt and purge what was left of my unwanted self discovery. Knowing myself was an ugly realization. My reality made my belly ache. I stumbled into a dwelling of self pity and hoped that no one would recognize me. I wanted to be loved only temporarily because anything more would cause disruption to my system. I knew my body would not be able to absorb what you were offering so I deprived myself of your nourishment. The sight, touch, taste and smell of you made me nauseous.
I despised you. You loved me. I made you miserable. You made me ill. I pushed you away. You held onto me. You were a man. I was just a child.
The first time I became overwhelmed and overcome by my urgency for you. I tried to withdraw, did this until I could barely sit still. The convulsing and wetness of my flesh could be seen by all with visibility. Those that cared tried desperately to diagnose me. But the symptoms were too foreign. There was nothing they could prescribe, nothing to stop the bitter sweet agony. I rode the pain until my body went completely limp. My faculties weakened. I became less vigorous and so did your longing for me. Something that was once so powerful, so strong, disintegrated. An unstoppable decaying commenced and that's when my healing began.
You grew tired. I recovered strength. You stepped backwards. I moved forward. You denied me. I needed you. You tried to abstain. I wanted more.
The first time I was tainted by past inflictions. I was a monster with the face of an Angel. I welcomed you with an abysmal poison, and ultimately succeeded in tearing you down. I prayed for your demise because your existence was my downfall. You consumed me in so many ways. You gave me feelings I did not recognize. You tortured me with your persistence. You made me weak. You made me see my own reflection. You made me desire separation. You supported me to the state of exhaustion. You inhabited my soul.
I was possessed. I reciprocated with resistance and expulsion. I was just a child. You needed a woman. I wasn't ready then but I am now.
Stop fighting. Stop resisting me.
I have finally grown. I now know. I'm ready to revert you back into the man you once were. I'm ready to accept love. I'm ready to return love. This time is nothing like the first.
posted by ahlam at 8:50 PM
3 Comments:
I am really loving this experience you decided to share. Every time I read your words I want to know more. Why is that?
I agree with Stacey, your words are touching my soul!
I guess this is all a part of falling in love. It's not easy getting there but surely worth it. I'm so looking forward to that feeling of being totally open for another.
Stacey, I already told you how I feel.
Loc, thanks for your response. I appreciate it.
No problem.
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